My Divorce Bucket List

My marriage of 17 years is, after a long terminal illness, finally ending- for real this time. It hurts but what hurt more was knowing we'd both been unhappy for so long, and we are ending on as good of a note as any marriage possibly can end. There is no hatred, no blame, no one person at fault. It just is. 

Now my attention is turning to my future. Apart from living arrangements and financial issues which are being dealt with, I've decided I need a divorce bucket list. Things I've always wanted to do that I couldn't with him, or things totally I like me to help me figure out who I am as a grown up. I've been with the same man since I was 20 years old. We grew up together, and I have no idea who I am without him. It's time to discover that person, because I have a feeling she's pretty awesome. 

My Divorce Bucket List

Take a class. Something totally random and outside my comfort zone. Maybe cooking or a craft, not sure yet. 

Volunteer at a food kitchen or homeless shelter. Do something to help people. I'm a firm believer in doing things that bless other people without requiring anything in return. It makes me feel good. 

Travel to somewhere my ex never wanted to go. Maybe Italy, maybe New York, maybe just be like that guy on Yes, Man and go to the airport and pick the first flight out. Just GO. 

Flirt. Well, first I need to learn to flirt. Then flirt. 

Buy my own car. In this instance it just means become financially secure enough to finance my existing car into my own name instead of his, but I do love my car.

Do something completely spontaneous and big. Enjoy the fact that don't have to ask permission. 

Maybe- just maybe- eventually give myself permission to love again, but this time be much pickier about who gets it, and that said recipient is able to return the feelings in the way that I deserve and demand. 

Buy myself flowers. At least once or twice a month. My ex got it in his head that I don't like flowers. I may have said that once because I don't like wasting money on things that die, but I do love flowers and I deserve them. 

Spend money on myself. A haircut, or a pedicure or a new outfit, whatever. I never liked to waste "his" money on things for me because everyone else came first. I deserve some "me". 

Decorate my new home as girly as I want. Because I can. Yay for not having to ask permission! 

Work my butt off to get my credit score above 700. This is a much more serious and practical one, of course, but quite necessary. 

This list will grow as I think of more things. 

WANTED:

A sexy, romantic Gerard Butler look-alike who plays guitar and cooks and appreciates and likes frumpy fluffy girls who like to eat. Irish or Aussie accent a plus.

Is that so hard to find??

Dear Mr. Mower,

The community I live in is lucky enough that we have "landscapers". What that really means is, every Friday, at 7:00am, a jerk with a riding mower and his buddy with the weed wacker come looking for open bedroom windows to sit outside for thirty minutes. It's summer. We live in a part of the country that has no air conditioning. Everyone's bedroom windows are open. It's also my husbands day off today and I'm almost positive they knew that.
I am 99% sure it was intentional. After trying blocking the sound without success, I finally got up and closed the window. Immediately, they left.
I laid there for an hour and, I'm not even kidding, the MINUTE I started to slip into that sleepy stage, HE CAME BACK! It's like they have hidden cameras in my house!

Finally, after an hour and a half I managed to fall back asleep, to dream beautiful candy mountain dreams of a day when we don't live in a fascist, lawnmowering community.

Medicated Momma

The medication I'm on now gives me about 6 hours per day where I am coherent and functional. All for a supposed "ear infection" and "stress headache". Part of me wonders if it's because they know I'm so frustrated I need to be kept doped up to keep from snapping and snapping someone's neck like Arnold Schwartzenegger in Commando. Remember the guy on the plane, who was "dead tired"? Yeah, some days here lately that looks like something I wouldn't mind doing.
Don't get me wrong, please. I am so far from a random act of violence type of person. I love helping people, I rescue run away dogs on a regular basis and find their owners, I counsel my friends about fertility as I'm kind of an expert on the subject after struggling with my own at one point- I do whatever I can, whenever I can, to make people happy. But I am just so freaking SICK of all the complete idiot TOOLBAGS running around that sometimes I feel like the world would be smarter without these people mucking up the human race. Is that so bad?

Woke up dead

Thanks to autocorrect, the title isn't completely true, yet, but I decided to keep it anyway. What really happened is I woke up deaf. This is my first day of almost complete hearing loss. I've been one ear or the other but today... On one side it's just ringing and on the other it's Charlie Brown's teacher. "wa wa WA wa WA wa". What???
This is getting ridiculous. Now, after two months of miserable, agonizing pain and tests, they determine I have an ear infection. Two weeks ago there wasn't one, and the pain was there long before that, but now magically there it is. These doctors are so stupid.

Say Yes

Today on Say Yes to the Dress is a woman getting married and her mom died of cancer when she was little so she obviously wasn't there. It was so emotional. Dying before my kids are grown is my biggest fear. Of course my youngest was in the room so I had to hide the fact that I just started bawling.

Help! I married a misogynist!

Really no clue what I'm doing or where this revelation is supposed to take me, but it has just come to light that my husband, with the exception being myself and our daughters, hates women. HATES them. His own words. I assume his addendum of "except for you and the girls" was supposed to make it all ok, I'm supposed to be relieved and say "well all right then" and go on like I am not seriously insulted. How can you say you hate an entire species except for me, when everything I am and have been in the past 15 years we've been together, is the epitome of all he proclaims to hate?? I knew he didn't like most of my friends, and I knew he never really said much to women in general unless he had to, but until today just made me think he thought I really was just the best so he didn't need to be friends with any other women.
I've given everything I had to this man since I was 20 years old. Followed him around the country, left and returned a few times after he swore he didn't want to be without me, but now?? I feel like a pretty god damn worthless pile of crap.
I should have seen it coming. The other day I told my girls how lucky they were their parents were still crazy about eachother, and he said "well, no couple is perfect". I let it go, because it's true, but now it's nagging me. Why would he say it right then? I'm over-evaluating everything again, the way all women apparently do, which, by the way is one of the many reasons he hates us- I mean them. Not me. Right